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You know the feeling, you've finally got your table at the casino, you have a nicely chilled beverage at your side, you've just performed your best chip trick and the hostess is looking particularly available tonight. Perfect, and then it happens, a bunch of zombies join the table. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not zombist, some of my best friends are roaming the Earth whilst dead, but do they really have to sit down at my poker table?

Here's my reasons why zombies should be banned from the tables.

1.They Smell

Ok, so zombies don't sweat, which is why you never see them with deodorant in their baskets at the supermarket. But flesh has a tendency to rot and stink, the stench can be somewhat off-putting. The real problem with these guys is that they are so loaded with death insurance pay-outs the casino loves them and their cash and always welcomes them.

2. They are too violent

The obvious problem is their tendency for violence towards the living. The last thing I want when I'm holding a straight flush is a member of the undead gnawing my elbow or ripping my flesh to shreds. Luckily, casino security is usually swift and deals with any zombie who can't resist the temptation to sink their teeth in.

3. Their "tells" are hard to read

Your typical zombie has such limited facial expressions "anger", "grimace", "snarl", that it's probably best to refer to them as facial blanks. This often makes their "tells" impossible to read.

4. They can't hold chips properly

Some zombies take an huge amount of time to throw a chip into the pot, as their hand eye co-ordination is not what it once was. I have often had to endure long drawn out minutes waiting for them to try to pick up a chip with bony, flesh-stripped fingers. This time-wasting really kills the flow of the game and can send the most patient player crazy.

5. Their bits fall off

Their body parts are not securely attached and have a tendency to fall off. I once noticed a zombie lose an eyeball, which then dropped into a high rollers' martini. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice as it looked like an olive, but the table kept quiet as we were taking all his money and didn't want him to leave.
....... which brings me to food issues. Having chips n' dip in the vicinity is just asking for trouble, as zombie body parts are usually rotting away and have a tendency to drop off. I don't even want to mention what has been dropped into the guacamole or salsa dip without people noticing. Also, never ask for "nibbles" when a zombie is present, as this can often be misconstrued as something else!

6. They play weird versions of poker

Don't ever play strip-poker with the undead, as they have their own version of the game which involves limbs and body parts rather than just clothes. This radical way of having fun will have you ending up in either the ER or the morgue.

6. They stain the upholstery

Sitting in a chair recently vacated by a zombie could give you a shock, as they tend to lose a lot of fluid through various wounds, combined with the pus from open sores - this can make a chair very sticky.

7. They get invited to all the high roller games

I have often dreamt of taking part in one of those high roller poker games held in some exotic part of the world, wearing a "James Bond tux", winning millions of dollars, and making out with someone like Eva Green. But no..... it is always the zombie who gets these exclusive invites.
The multi-billionaire, megalomaniac, tycoons who organise these games obviously admire the zombies' craving for world-domination - even if it involves corpses instead of gold bullion.

8. They have a tendency to take bad breaks badly

The more modern zombies, or "speed zombies" tend to be a little more aggressive and faster than the old-fashioned, "shuffle-around-at-a-very-slow-pace zombies". When losing a big pot these "speed zombies" have a tendency to rage and attack other players. It is very difficult to concentrate on the game when noticing the agile and large "speed zombie" at the other side of the table getting antsy.

9. They are tight with their money

In home games zombies tend not to bring their share of the beer and are quite stingy when it comes to paying the pizza guy.

10. Zombies don't need toilet breaks

Zombies have the ability to play long games of poker without a break, they don't need to use the toilet, eat, sleep or make chit chat. They can go for days grinding it out, this represents an unfair advantage to normal humans.

11. They have poor sense of humour

You can have a real fun, buzzin' table.... and then the zombies turn up and drain the life out of the gathering, so to speak. They are unable to tell even the simplest of jokes and always forget the punch line.
Don't ever ask them to perform any chip tricks, as they have little hand-eye coordination, and their tricks are always pathetic and ends up with humans laughing at them. The zombie then gets riled and goes on a gore fest.
The only time they do show any appreciation of humour is when one of them gets the Dead man's hand and they indulge is a lot of elbow nudging and what can only pass as chuckling amongst themselves.

12. They are overly sensitive

Zombies are actually very sensitive, so don't ever ask one to "bet their life" in a poker game. Another phrase to avoid is, "that pot just cost you an arm and a leg", as they may point to their leg as if to say, "you mean this one?" And then rip the leg off to beat you with it. As I have said, very touchy.

13. They have zombie only games which are dangerous to crash

If you ever want to crash a zombie game try covering your face with honey and then putting your face into a bowl of muesli and ketchup.
It seems a little unfair that zombies are allowed to crash our tables and yet if we ever go to a private zombie game there is a high chance of being eaten or even becoming one of them.
None of the casinos have banned them and I checked the application for the World Tournament and nowhere did it say that the undead were banned.

Personal thoughts

My sister tells me I should chill out about it not refer to them as zombies, their politically correct term is post life beings. Apparently they have feelings.
But, poker needs concentration, and I can't deal with these types of distractions to the game. So, do we really have them at the table in the first place?

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